Top 20 Dwight Schrute Quotes
June 10th, 2009 Posted in Funny, Raves
Before getting to the Top 20 Dwight Schrute Quotes, let me start by sharing what got me on this list creation:
Last night I picked up a replacement iPhone 3G. I decided after swimming with my old one (and drowning it) that I could live without the iPhone 3G S for a year and didn’t want to extend my contract with AT&T (who I loathe).
Anyway . . . (I tend to ramble a bit before getting into the subject of my post) . . . I decided to put a custom ringtone on so I could pick up calls from Camille while I’m at work. I start thinking I don’t want a song, I want something funny. A good movie clip. My first thought goes to Fletch, which has more quotable lines than any movie I can think of (hey, I think I’ll go buy Fletch on iTunes now that I’m thinking of all those funny lines . . . . bought!).
Now, for the point of this post:
My next thought is the Office and Rainn Welson’s character Dwight Schrute. He has more quotable lines than any TV Show I can think of right now. The first one that comes to mind is where he’s talking about the problem with women and that they have weak arms. Hahahahahaahahahahahah!
Ok, so without further ado, here’s the Top 20 Dwight Schrute Quotes:
- When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
- I am faster than 80% of all snakes.
- I don’t care what Jim says, that is not Benjamin Franklin. I am 99% sure.
- I don’t believe you, continue.
- Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.
- When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
- The eyes are the groin of the head.
- My feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man
- Before I do anything I ask myself “Would an idiot do that?” And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.
- You know whats better than a triceratops. Only every other dinosaur that has ever existed.
- Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things.
- There are 40 rules all Schrute boys must learn by age 5. Rule #17- There are 3 things you never turn your back on- bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season
- I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.
- Question…
- Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.
- How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammer…merciless…insatiable…
- I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose…and a panther.
- The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won’t receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis….Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
- I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.
- Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
Honorable Mention:
- Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
- A 30-year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.
- I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
- Yes I have acted before. I was in a production of “Oklahoma!” in the 7th grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that. I was good.
- As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out . . . she was. With a couple of guys, actually. . . so . Mystery solved.
- Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
- I like the people that I work with, generally. With four exceptions.
- And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.
- When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael’s book is.. “Something Weird Is Going On…colon…What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story…by Michael Scott. With Dwight Schrute.”
- He was already dead, and we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious smoky rich flavor. Plus, you can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease.
- As a farmer I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of it’s misery. With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical.
- I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same…except I could fly.
- Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up I performed my own circumcision.
- I am not a security threat, and my middle name is Kurt, not Fart.
- Can we steer away from gay people? I’m sorry it’s an orientation not a race. Plus, a lot of other races are intolerant of gays, sooo paradox..
- D.W.I.G.H.T – Determined, Worker, Intense, Good worker, Hard worker, Terrific
- People say, oh it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace. Well I say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose
- I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
- Once I’m officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.
- In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is “Oh, I broke my leg!” A lion comes and eats you, your dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, your dead!
- Did you know that the human thumb is formed by 15 interchangeable joints? Wrong. Don’t believe everything the people on television tell you.
- I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like…Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like…Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
- Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague…
- A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, that must be avenged.
- [indicating his purple belt] This is not a toy, this is a message to the entire office so that everyone can see I can physically dominate them.
- Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet so fine call me a Sasquatch!
46 Responses to “Top 20 Dwight Schrute Quotes”
By Marc Grant on Oct 8, 2009
I just wanted to let you know that I noticed while reading through the first few quotes that they are not accurate. Normally when you quote someone, especially a character on a TV show, you would do it “word for word”.
Great list but please correct all the mistakes, it’s embarrassing.
Bye
By sean gilman on Oct 17, 2009
marc chill out at least they took the time to write this all out…
bye
By kayla chizzle on Oct 24, 2009
THIS WAS SO GREAT.
Especially #1!
By dwightmaniac on Oct 28, 2009
Dude this is terrible, you didnt write the quotes word for word and i believe th definition of “quote” is a word for word repeation from a book, newspaper, ect…
By dwightmaniachater on Oct 28, 2009
shut up you are so dumb DwightManiac
By weneedtheofficebackinaustralia on Nov 9, 2009
lol i would use quote 11
By OfficeObsessed on Nov 17, 2009
“Can’t a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they’ll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore??… geeez when did everyone get so cynical?!”
FAVORITE lol
By Cory on Dec 1, 2009
Hey Marc (the first comment guy), the internet is not serious, you’re a fucking idiot. I hope you die in a bus fire.
By Cory on Dec 1, 2009
And I hope “dwightmaniac” is on the same bus.
By office lover on Dec 8, 2009
wow Cory you have some serious issues buddy…
By office lover on Dec 8, 2009
a bus fire?? really?? i will say a prayer for you
By stupidpeople on Dec 10, 2009
for the first person who posted- way to be a buzz kill. If you are such a Dwight Schrute quote aholic, you should have already had all of Dwight’s quotes memorized word for word, saving you the time of coming to this website, and therefor saving us the time of reading your downer of a thought. I hope im there to watch the bus catch on fire… and office lover, you don’t have to say a prayer for me, it won’t do anything, you rot in the ground when you die. Focker out.
By Kiki on Dec 10, 2009
GO GREY’S ANATOMY! WOOO!
By sheesh on Dec 16, 2009
/wrists.
silly kids,
fighting on the internet is like racing in the special Olympics.
Even if you win, you’re still retarded.
The comments were almost funnier than the post.
By me on Dec 19, 2009
hahaa i love the first one! Mark must be PMSing pretty bad.
By theygotowned on Jan 6, 2010
hahahaha dwightmaniac and the other guys got punishedddd by stupidpeople!!! LOL btw office is amazinggg
By zeegot on Jan 13, 2010
I LIKE TURTLES!
By Ktrom on Jan 20, 2010
wow, please just chill out people. your actually acting like this is serious when its so fucking not. by the way, im in love with dwight schrute (:
By Lovely on Jan 29, 2010
If I could… I would marry Dwight Schrute:))
By Lenyne on Jan 30, 2010
I was laughing so hard I had to stop and wipe my eyes before I could finish.
By schrute_follower on Feb 3, 2010
You forgot one if his best …
Women … are like wolves, you have to track them, trap them, feed them, talk to them, make them happy,
like an animal deserves to be kept. You have to love them. And my animal deserves to be loved.”
By kekepops on Feb 14, 2010
Marc Grant and Dwightmaniac: In Flames has written a song about you. Superhero of The Computer Rage. Check it out.
By Aly on Feb 16, 2010
Learn your rules, you’d better learn your rules. IF you don’t you’ll be eaten in your sleep CRUNCH!
By dwightsmith on Feb 22, 2010
If the bus catches on fire I will make sure I have marshmellos…
By thesignyouwerelookingfor on Mar 1, 2010
John 3:16 “For God so LOVED the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him will NOT parish, but have eternal life..”
I’m only posting this because it would be wrong for you (who think everyone is going to rot in the ground) to be blind to the truth. What have you got to lose? Your ‘independence’? Pride?
On a less serious note, dwight’s quotes are soo much greater than michael’s lol
By erma on Mar 19, 2010
I loved this post! its hilarious! I heart dwight! OFFICE 4ever!
By erma on Mar 19, 2010
best dwight quotes:
Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
best jim quote:
what type of bear is best? False…black bear. Fact: Bears eat beets.
best michael quote:
We arent disgruntled! we are completely gruntled!!!!!
hahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha
By reeseshara on Mar 24, 2010
Sweet list! Dwight and The Office complete me…lol. Fav Michael Scott quotes: Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me– no, don’t sue me. That is opposite the point I’m trying to make.
&
I’m not superstitious, but I’m a little stitious.
By Hue jass on Mar 29, 2010
Damn! these pople have issues
By ImNotKidding on Apr 3, 2010
You’ve missed my favorite Dwight quote, when Jim is trying to discredit him and asks him about cases he has solved. “One, case of the beet bandit – missing beets from all over the farm, no footprints. Inside job, Mose in socks. Boom, case closed.”
By Ashlea on Apr 7, 2010
YOUUU guys are funny. Yes the quotes arent perfect but they are still funnnnyyyyyyyyyyy
and there is life after death!
By Kurby on Apr 10, 2010
you need to add this quote its the best. “In a perfect world, all ten fingers would be on my left hand so my right hand would just be a fist for punching” Dwight K. Schrute.
By josh on Apr 21, 2010
HA! thesignyouwerelookingfor! You believe in god. Thats right, god does not need nor deserves to be capitalized. Believing in god is kind of hard to do. Your bascily believing in a bearded man that lives in the sky and grants wishes to people. It crazy. stupidpeople, your the fucking man. Props.
By joechaney on May 11, 2010
I think the funniest part about this is that getting mad about screwing up a word in a quote is a very Dwight thing to do.
By MissNut on May 12, 2010
Lmao! Joechaney, you are so right!! And screw you jerks dissing religious people. I’m not religous, but I know people are entitled to their own beliefs, and if you don’t believe in them, suck it up and tolerate it. No one’s forcing you to go to church or do anything of the sort.
Hmmm, guess I kinda got caught up in the fight too.
Oh, and you forgot the first episode: “Damit, he put my stapler in jello again!” Yes, I know it’s not word for word.
By KillaBagga on May 17, 2010
Josh, the god of spelling and grammar doesn’t believe in you either.
By natashaaa, on Jun 3, 2010
Lol ! Oh, that Dwight. People above, chill(: . I agree that the first dude was probably having a bad day but, come on. Miss Nut, (I actually really like that name, by the way. No joke.) thesignyouwerelookingfor said we are blind to this so- called truth, which might just get people angry. Anyhow, yeah, my favorite Dwight quote is “Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.”
D
By keiran on Jun 9, 2010
Im more use to the uk version (living in Scotland) but i have to admit that this version is so much better…..Gervais afetr a while got a little toooooo annoying whereas with these characters its still just hilarious!
By jdub on Jun 22, 2010
yeah these are not quotes. they’re close but that doesn’t count when you call them quotes.
look up the definition of quote.
By koko77 on Jun 28, 2010
Can someone pleasee tell me where the following quote is from? which episode? i cannot find it anywhere!
“11.Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things.”
By Jesus F'in Christ on Jul 5, 2010
Wowza! It all started w/ the first critical d-bag… then…
Miss Nut said:
“I’m not religous, but I know people are entitled to their own beliefs, and if you don’t believe in them, suck it up and tolerate it. No one’s forcing you to go to church or do anything of the sort.”
Really? One mention of non-belief and bible passages are getting shoved into the mix or OFFICE HUMOR! Get your religion out of my FACE! Not getting forced to go to church, correct. However someone saying, “I’ll pray for you” to a non-believer is pointless and soooo irritating. (regardless if its used in a literal sense or not)
You said it yourself, people are entitled to their own beliefs..and you also call us jerks for dissing religious people… I dont see you defending the non-believers getting dissed…
Yer the reason. Congrats =D
Anyway, why drag religion into something SOOOO awesome! back to the first guy, TOTAL DOWNER! Go away dude!
He started all this! lol..
By You're an Asshat on Jul 10, 2010
JFC- get your anti-religion out of MY FACE, dickhead.
By you're all faggots on Jul 11, 2010
wow…just wow… the only reason i created this was to call all of you a bunch of d-bags.. except Cory, he had it right with Marc Grant and dwightmaniac dying on a bus..
But im sorry Cory i must one-up you..i hope Marc Grant and dwightmaniac both die in front of their kids
By leelee on Jul 17, 2010
‘also I’ve noticed a gaping hole in my life. I’ve neen waking up to find myself craddling a gourd’
By GOD on Jul 19, 2010
Everyone,
This is God. For the true believers, I have an answer to all of your questions. Meet me on the moon in 24 hours. Contact Vincent at Virgin Airlines, he does my bidding. Send $267,348.15 to my paypal account GOD@gmail.com, yes even I use Google. If you can’t afford it, there is also a cheaper but riskier way to arrive. Douse yourself in a flammable liquid, i.e. gasoline, then shove as many bottle rockets up your ass as possible. Then light, use fire. If all goes well I will see you at my new bungaloo on the moon in three days time. Good luck my children. Also, John go fuck yourself.
Sincerely,
Big G